Divorce and Re-marriage

                Today, I think that divorce is one of the scariest things that can happen to a marriage. You have picked the love of your life, your best friend, and more importantly, your eternal companion. The person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with and grow old together, but things happened and now you want a divorce. You are back to square one with finding a new partner if you so choose to. However, it has been said that 70% of men who divorce are married 2 years later, and women can take longer if they decide to re-marry at all. Marital satisfaction can wax and wane and things go up and down day to day. But the key is to try to work things out and talk about problems when they arise. In the past 5 years, 70% have been either satisfied or very satisfied with their marriage, 26% of people actually divorce.

                Being divorced can cause many problems between the couple, but also with the kids. You are now separating the family, and the kids have to pick a side, and then split time evenly. It causes stress on the kids because they are constantly being bounced around. If the kids are younger, the mom will most likely have primary custody over them, and if not she will fight for it. and then either both or one will have to pay child support. The father now has to have a career that can support two household because of living for himself and helping support the mom with the kids and child support. Not only does this happen, but the cost for divorce is crazy expensive. 20+ years ago, it was $125,000 for divorce with $25 for fees and the rest paid over the years. I can’t even imaging having to fork out that amount of money.. Now what are some causes for marital failure? Some of them include having a low income, being a different race, low age which leads to commitment issues and not understanding, abuse, non-religious, and mental disorders. All of these are factors that couple look at in their marriage and see if they are failing or succeeding at one or another. If something isn’t right and together they can’t work it out, it is likely that they become dissatisfied with their marriage and it end in a divorce.

                To make a marriage work, it has to be YOUR choice. You are the only one that can decide for yourself whether you want it or not. Are you even trying to make it better, or are you just pointing out that they are a “jerk” and nothing is right. But when it comes to blending families, there are other factors that can make things tough. Is your spouse going to accept your kids and love them? How strict are they going to be, and how do you feel towards that? Each parent is going to have their different parenting styles and that’s ok. It is a process of learning and experimenting. Learning to connect before you correct is going to be a big thing. But if your spouse can learn to deal with your kids and you deal with them, your marriage can be successful if both of you will allow it to be that way. Just like the song ‘He didn’t have to be’ by Brad Paisley. His mom was a single mom and when she started dating someone, that man became his dad and one who loved him and cared for him. He didn’t have to do all those things, but he chose to because he loved him. Loving your children and spouse for who they are is the key thing to a working relationship. 

Parenting

     Parenting is one of the most beautiful things you can do in life. Now what exactly does parenting involve? It is taking responsibility to raise kids old and young whether it be your own kids or grandchildren, someone doing it through foster care, school, a nanny, boarding school, etc. Being the so called "parent" it is solely your responsibility to nurture and care for them in all aspects. This involves feeding them, buying them the necessities, supporting them in school and activities, and so on. The list is endless. But who benefits from parenting? Both the child and the adult. Parents benefit because it is considered a "calling" or a vocation, they can become better people, and they can also learn better cooperation skills. It can be hard dealing with kids on a daily basis. However, the kids can benefit as well. They gain a connection and an attachment, and they also learn cooperation skills. On a day to day basis, it can be frustrating trying to deal with them and figure out what they want. But through learning and communication, it is easier to learn to deal with them and become closer with them. Sometimes parents can discourage their children by expecting too much or even too little. As parents, they expect so much out of us, and it is out of love. My parents have told me many times why they get on me about certain things, or why they don't like when things happen, but they do it because they love me and they want whats best for me. Parents want their children to be happy, and they root for their successes in life. Sometimes it might be necessary for children to make mistakes, but it's only for the purpose of learning from that mistake. The lessons learned in life are valuable to things we do and know. If we didn't make mistakes we wouldn't be able to correct it for next time. It ties back to the scriptures and doctrine when we hear that our purpose in life is to make mistakes and to be tested here on earth.
      There are 5 things that Popkin's give to parents. Courage- confidence to take a known risk for a known purpose, Self-esteem- your opinion of yourself and having confidence in your ability to succeed, Responsibility- ability to make decisions and accept outcomes, Cooperation- ability to work together with others towards a common goal, Respect- treating others as worthwhile and valuable human beings. All of these are good rules of thumb as to how to approach situations that we face. Popkin also gives us a problem solving model that deals with the parent and child. Starting at the top, the parents start out with saying a polite request to the child when something is wrong, and if that doesn't work you slowly move down. After the request is an I feel statement about the situation, then a stronger statement and eventually logical consequences. With these consequences it has to be something that both you and child agree on, and actually makes sense. After all is said and done comes the encouraging conversations. These include what the child can do better next time, and how they can not let it happen again. And if they do, there will be consequences. Once again, it's okay for children to make mistakes because the is how they learn. If we always do things right, we are going to seem confused when we do something wrong. Parenting is a wonderful thing, but it shouldn't be abused. It hurts kids to grow up without a mom or dad because they play such a big part in our lives.

Fathers & Finances

     If we look at The Family: A Proclamation to the World, it states that "fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families." This is a key thing to know in a family and in a relationship. Sure it's okay for moms to work and help provide for the family, but ultimately they are to stay home and do things with the kids, and around the house. They are responsible for nurturing the children and keeping them in line. When both couples work, the woman's work load increases by 35%. This means that couples aren't together as often anymore and things can start to fall apart. There is distance and there is also combat. We we start to resent someone it's hard to get close again. This is when the communication part comes in and helps to play a role. However if both are going to work and provide, they need to find a way to stay close and find that time to do things together. Go out on that date night, get a babysitter for the kids if needed and use that quality time to stay close and connected. Some may ask does it really matter that both are playing those roles? I want to refer back to the proclamation at this point when it states the roles of both the father and the mother. There is just something about the father being the primary provider for the family. I know that in my family both my parents have worked, but my mom was a stay at home while working because we have a hair salon in my house. Therefore she was always home and was able to attend to our needs when she could. I loved having her at home, and I always looked forward to seeing my dad as well after he got off work. It has been said that 11/12 people regretted spending their time working than with their families. In today's day and age it is so important to keep that family bond and stay close and connected with each other. Kids also tend to fare better with their mom at home rather than dads.
      When working, your goal just be to allocate your money and be smart with it rather than just bringing it all in. It's not about the amount you make and bring in, but it's about what you do with it and how you use it. Using it wisely can really save you in the long run if you allow yourself you only spend what is needed and be smart about where you spend it. It's so easy to just run out and spend it and then in the end you wonder where it all went. Work could also be a better form of recreation than play because with play you are competing. A job should never be a competition between people to see who is better, who is making the most, who is spending what, etc. It's never fun to work all the time, but if we find something we love to do and that's our job, then we should try to enjoy it and be grateful we have a job. When we work for something we are more appreciative of the end result than if it were just given to us. I know as a kid if we wanted something, we had to earn it. Things were never just given to us whenever wanted it. There was always something else in picture in order to have it. When you pay a child all the time to do something, and give it to them whenever, they do less and always expect it the the next time and the time after that. They feel entitled and believe they deserve it. If we teach them young that work is a good thing and it pays off, they are more likely to appreciate work later in life. 

Communication is Key

     Have you ever been so frustrated when you asked someone to something and they didn't do it? This comes from a lack of communication, and how people communicate differently. Some people do it by hinting, and others are straight forward. Not having the same idea of communication and how to do it can really cause some problems. However this isn't the only factor. The biggest factor of all is how you say something to someone. It could come off rude and demanding and that person isn't going to want to do anything. There are 3 different channels of communication: Words, tone, and non-verbal. All of these add up to 100% when you think of your communication ways. Words is 14%, tone is 35%, and non-verbal is 51%. All of of these play a huge factor when wanting to talk to someone. When you tell them something or ask them a question, you want to do it in a simple but nice way. Don't try and yell at them or get up in there face. When you talk to someone it should be like talking on a walkie talkie. The more channels there are, the more likelihood of a better understanding. However, there comes a part in this for the other person who is listening. Your job as a listener is to engage in the conversation or question and really give them your full attention. When someone doesn't have that, the person talking feels like they are talking to a wall and that is not fun! This whole thing about communication is important not only in everyday life, but also in our families. If we can't communicate to one another effectively, there are going to be some big problems. David Burns gives us 5 secrets of communication:
 Empathy  1. Disarming Technique
                  2.Express Empathy
                  3. Inquiry
 Assertiveness  4. When....., I feel......, Because......, I would like.......
  Respect    5. Express genuine/authentic admiration or appreciation
Think of a moment or time when you said something to someone that caused you to feel an emotion after and analyze what you said vs. what they said. How did you feel during and after, and how did they feel. Sometimes we don't think before we speak, and we think things are okay when they really aren't.

      Sometimes when we communicate, there is what we call corrupt communication. Sarcasm, which sets us up for failure, and the silent treatment. When both of these happen we are sending the wrong message to our recipient, and thing can go down hill. The time you take to think something out can change you. It can change everything. After a conversation, go through that checklist. Did you use empathy, did you say it or did you do it? What revisions can I make next time? Ask yourself these questions and really evaluate so you know what to do better next time. When we communicate effectively it can really change everything. Knowing how the other person receives it, and how you both respond can tell a lot in what is going to happen. Don't be angry at someone when talking to them about something simple. Relax, and simply talk to them in a calm voice if you want them to listen. This also goes when talking to kids. When we yell at them in a tone that isn't appropriate they are likely to almost retaliate and get more angry or continue doing something they shouldn't. Sometimes our emotions get the best of us and that is our first reaction is to yell and get mad. But we need to take a step back, analyze the situation, and then go from there.

Are you stressed?

       First off, I want to ask the question, what is stress? It is a normal response to a perception to danger. Often times it is distress and some sort of pressure we feel. That could be something happening at work that needs done by a certain time, or a big assignment to get done for classes. Something that someone else expects us to do, or influences from the outside world. Today, stress is a common thing to have, and we all hate it! Right?! Well today, there is also stress in the family setting. It could be between just the husband and wife, or also with the kids. There are many different things that could cause it. Stress could be caused on kids if they think their family doesn't "care" about them, or they don't show an interest. One way a child could develop this is if they have an activity going on, and they don't see the support from their parents. The best way to cure this, is to show interest in your child's activities even if you don't want to. You want to create that bond with your child or children and let them know you support them and care for them. Once they know that you have that bond, and they see your support, there is some stress lifted from them and they are able to concentrate on more things. It's sad to see a family fall apart, and the children have so much weight on their shoulders because they feel like their parents don't care about them, and they don't have that support. It goes back to when I talked about having a strong foundation in the family. It starts with the parents, and then goes to the kids. Whenever you see an opportunity to bond with you child, take that opportunity. Whether it's a school event, or some free time you both have, take advantage of that in order to show your child you care about them and you love them. This could be a sport your child is involved in, or maybe a concert or play at their school. Whatever it may be, invest your time in them and let them know you are there for them at all times.
         However, this comes from everyone in the family. In order for that bond to be stronger, it has to come from everyone. We did a visual experiment in class where we had students play roles as a mom, a dad, a son, and a daughter. They all held hands and stood in a circle. The teacher walked around pulling on them giving them "stress" and they had to hold the circle together. Now while doing this, if one person was being pulled on, the others were pulling harder to keep them up. That is what the family needs to do. All of them play a part in having structure and taking care of one another. Pull others in when they are having a hard time to help relieve that stress. Don't let them do it on their own. In class we talked about the ABC,X model. In this model, the Actual event, Both resources and responses, and the Cognition's, led to the overall eXperience. Sometimes having challenges can strengthen your ability to go through those challenges as a family. The closer you are, and the more you support one another, the more likely you are to get through things together and stay close. Success isn't automatic. It takes time and work, and if in a crisis never "what if" yourself. Be confident, and help others around you. Replace those untrue thoughts with true ones to make you happier. One thought can change everything, and the more truth you think, the more lights come on. Stay together as a family, be strong, love one another, and show your support for each other even when times are hard, things will be okay.

Intimacy in Marriage

       One thing that is big in our church today is waiting until after marriage to have sexual intercourse. It is not necessarily secret, but is more so sacred to us. If we look at the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet from the church on Sexual Purity, it says "The sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife." In our church, God has commanded us that we wait until after marriage in order to enjoy this beautiful thing that he has created for us. We should think of sexual intimacy like opening up a beautiful gift that has been given to us, slowly and carefully. For some it may happen quicker than for others. Some wait for a while, and some do it right away. It is completely up to the couple as to when they feel comfortable with it. However guys tend to want it more than women. Why is this? Well it could be for a couple reasons. One being that women are insecure about their bodies and they don't want it to be seen quite yet, and I think a man should respect that. It's important that women feel safe and secure during sex with a man, and that men reciprocate that feeling. If they don't feel comfortable, they may tend to shy away from it. Another being the different chemicals that are released. For men it is dopamine and serotonin, and for women it is oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine. Women have an extra boost of oxytocin when having sex which can cause that sense of arousal. Especially during the first encounter are women going to be more nervous or maybe even less aroused. It goes back to the mindset of each a man and woman. Guys tend to have a one track mindset, whereas women tend to think about multiple things at once. Therefore, if a woman is not as aroused and feels stressed, she is less likely to stay concentrated and then they remember something else that needs to happen. It is also during intercourse that women may have multiple orgasms whereas men will only have one. And this is solely because of the way the human body works and how different a woman's body is compared to mans. Sex is something that is desired for both male and female, and that is just part of the human body's reactions. Although I think we should wait until the right time which would be after marriage.
             During your relationship, communication is a key thing. It takes time and thought to create a good intimate relationship. It's important to talk about thing when they aren't exactly going right. If you have a problem with your spouse and something they are doing, talk to them about it directly. Don't talk to your mom or your best friend. They aren't going to fix anything, and your spouse will never know the issue. It will only create bigger problems if you don't tell them. Let them know your thoughts, and work things out together so you can continue to be happy. When it comes time for starting a family, and you have kids that are learning about this, it's important that we tell them the right way, and not let them find out from friends or outside sources. If kids have a question, we should be able to tell them, and feel comfortable about it. In our society today, it is easier for kids to access it on the internet, and find out things quicker. But if they come to us, we should tell them, and tell them the importance of it, and why it is considered sacred not secret. Sex in marriage is a wonderful thing, and we should wait to have the pleasure that God has created for us. By waiting, it can strengthen our relationship with our spouse, and create a bond between the two.

Transition into Marriage

       Marriage is a huge step we take in life, and there are many different things that come with it. We have to be committed to the guy just as much as he is committed to us. When a guy asks a girl to marry him, he is already committed and is ready to take that step. But as women, we have to be just as committed, and actually be invested in the relationship. Too often girls tend to take the easier route because they think they are in love, and it is convenient. They think they are ready when they really aren't, and it can throw your relationship for a loop. Marriage can't just be all fun and games like we think it is. But in order to have a successful marriage, it is important to have a strong foundation. We can relate this back to the structure and foundation of a house. If we don't have a strong foundation underneath the ground for the house structure to sit on, our house is going to start to crumble. Just like our relationships and marriage. If we don't have a strong foundation as a couple, how are things going to work out and survive. From then on, if the husband and wife can't have a good foundation, then neither will the family in later years to come. Part of having this strong foundation is learning to make decisions together and being able to get along. Communication is such a big key thing to have. If you can't communicate with one another there is going to be some contention and blaming and that is the last thing that needs to happen in a marriage. Yes there are going to be times when it will happen, but if we can do our best to keep it from happening less everyone will be happier.
      Then there comes the stress that happens before a wedding. There is so much planning to do, and money to spend and worry about. Some will see the cost of a wedding once everything is all planned and then it will get delayed for possibly 2 or 3 years because they can't afford it and it scares them. The average cost of a wedding in the United States is around $20,000. This can cause a lot of stress especially on the bride because she wants it to be her big day and everything needs to be perfect. After marriage, everything you have is shared time, money, things, etc. It's like the saying that we hear, "What's mine is yours and whats yours is mine." Everything you own becomes each others. There are some early marital transitions that every couple has to go through, and money and belongings is one of them. When a couple lives apart for a while and then comes together to tie the knot, their relationship is stronger with each other. They are more excited for things to happen, and I believe that love is stronger. I have seen this with my brother and his new wife. They met up at college through me, and then he moved away to Oregon to go to Chiropractic school. He is there for 3 months at a time and then comes home for about 2 weeks. They weren't sure how they were going to make it work, but they figured out a way. They loved each other enough that they decided this wasn't going to hurt them. They had about a 6 month engagement and only saw each other when he came home. The love they have is real and strong and they are always excited to see each other. The engagement period is a time to get "engaged" and really spend time working things out together and figuring out how you are going to spend your life together.