Rules and Roles

      Have you ever broken a family rule or role? Or do you have any? They are often seen as traditions and can be taken with you as you go through life. Today, many families have different roles and rules in their households that to some people may seem strange. Lets take a look at a few of those examples. Having specific seats at the dinner table, saying I love you regularly to your family, older children are to help with the younger children, a clear executive or leader, etc. Murray Bowen once said "Every family needs an executive or sub-system." There are so many different examples in each family as to what is okay and what is not, and if someone breaks a certain rule, everyone is going to be thrown off, and it could potentially lead to contention. Often times, as we grow older and move out of the house, we may see that we have carried these traditions with us, and when someone breaks it, it feels uncomfortable because that isn't what you are used to. It takes time to get used to what others do, and for them to get used to what you do. Whether this be with roommates at college or with your spouse, it can take time to develop your own family systems.

     Having these set rules and traditions is also something that can help a family have order and structure. Without these, a family can be left in pure chaos. Going along with that, we can see that when a mom and dad work together in the family and they don't fight, it can give a child a sense of security and safety versus a family that is always fighting. No not every family is perfect and we do fight, but if everyone can learn to work together and understand one another, things will go more smoothly overall. Salvidor Minuchin is one who is known for family mapping and looking at what he observed in families. With this, he was able to establish some boundaries. A few we can look at are, rigid boundaries: information is not shared as much; open boundary: some things are shared that shouldn't be; healthy boundary: enough is shared the to meet the needs. When we look at these boundaries, we are looking at the relationship with the parents and how well they get along. This can be a big key in families as to how they interact with each other, and how they treat others. Something else we can look at, is the relationship of the parent and the child.With Minuchin's family mapping theory, we can take a child and look at his/her relationship with both the mom and the dad. Often times the mom is closer to the child than the dad because they around them more and have more opportunities. When the dad is at work he misses out on some of these bonding moments.  However, there may be some instances where the dad is closer to the child than the mom. At times we could even observe a close relationship with both mom and dad. However things happen is just the way of the family and everyone is different. What may seem normal to one person could seem absolutely strange to another family. These family systems are what shape us, and the traditions we learn can be taken with us throughout our lives. So next time you are at a family gathering, pay attention to the little details that happen and see if you can discover your little family rules. See what happens when you break one and see what other reactions are. Try sitting in a different spot at the dinner table and see what happens. All of these are fun little quirks that makes a family who they are.