Preparing for Marriage

       Today marriage and relationships have become a big part of our society, especially at BYU-I. We often see many people dating, getting engaged, and then getting married and starting a life. Something we all strive for in life, yet it takes longer for some of us than others. Which is not a bad thing. Timing is different for all of us, and that is the Lord's plan. However that timing should be waiting for the right person. That does not mean settling for something or someone that is convenient. Often times we try and settle for someone that is already there and we thing we are "in love" when really we aren't. We need to almost be picky about what we want and keep our standards high. Don't settle for anything less than what we really want. 

       Things we can look for in our future partners are those things in common. It can be socioeconomic status, ethnicity, and shared family and friends. Its easier to get along with someone when we have thing certain things in common including shared activities. However it is also nice to meet someone to learn new things. But our tendency is to gravitate towards someone who has similar backgrounds and likes. Another thing we look for is someone who is attractive. We all have our own definitions of attractiveness and what we are looking for. When it comes to physical attraction, we often tend to make assumptions about them based on what we see. We can look at someone and think about their overall appearance and what we think about them. Whether they are a jock, or a nerdy person, we tend to make a judgement about everyone whether good or bad. Another tendency is to look for people that are familiar to us. A lot of times it could be looks, and others it could just simply be that they we have things in common with them. That commonality factor is a huge thing to us that we tend to look for in a partner because we feel more comfortable with them. We also have the phrase called the "Know-Quo". This is defined as togetherness (shared activities) + talk (mutual self-disclosure) + time = know. You don't truly know someone unless you spend that time together doing things. It has been said that "it takes 3 months to get to know someone." Often we hear of people meeting online and then saying they know them. When in reality they don't. They have talked, but don't know how they are in person, therefore it's hard to say you really "know" them. Today, the most often go to per se is to just hangout. If we just "hangout" and watch movies we cannot get to know that person very well either. If we look at the Relationship Attachment Model, there are 5 different levels. They are: know, trust, rely, commitment, and physical touch. With these different levels, you have to start at the top of know, before you can move down. One simply cannot be higher than the previous one. 

      A couple key things to remember for dating: we often think of it as racing into romance and we commit to fast, and don't go into dating and marriage through convenience. Take your time to make sure you know what you want in a guy, and really get to know them. Go on those dates rather than watching a movie and hanging out. Ask yourself if they are someone who you could spend your life with forever, and have them as a father to raise your kids. Nothing will affect you more day to day than your intimate relationships, meaning your marriage and your kids. 

Gender

This week in my Family Relations class, we have talk about gender and gender typical behaviors. Lets look at some comparisons. Females tend to be social, have relational orientation, communication empathy, and are cooperative and nurturing. Males on the the other hand tend to be a little more aggressive, have spacial orientation, and are competitive. However just because males have these, doesn't mean they don't have a sensitive side. Some guys more than others, and that's not a bad thing. Us women tend to like it when guys are a little sensitive to things! G. Steiham said "We badly need to raise our boys more like our girls." Whether we think this be in behavioral ways or not, I think it could be a good thing. Some guys should be a little more sensitive about things in general, but they still need to keep their manly side. Maybe this means training them at a young age that it's okay to show emotion once in a while. Coming from a family of 4 kids, I am the youngest and I have 2 older sisters and 1 older brother. So, he has been around girls his whole life and has learned some of the ways of how we do things and how we act and respond. I wouldn't say he is super emotional, but I almost feel like he is sensitive to things. According to the family proclamation to the world, we see a few attributes on each side that we are primarily responsible for. Men are to provide, preside, and protect. Women are primarily responsible for nurturing. Men and women are very different in their actions and what they each like, and how they do things. We often say that women have a capacity of knowing more things at once and men are more likely to do only one thing at a time. Which I think is pretty true! Right? Men also hold in their emotions more than women do, and when something happens they generally don't want to talk about it, whereas women share it with everyone. If you want to see a little more about this, watch this video on YouTube! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KrOZe2SxoQ

Another topic to discuss on Gender, is those that are Gay. A statement we have heard, is to get rid of homosexual and replace it with gay. Making it a part of everything, and also making it mean happiness. Now often times, those that do choose to be gay are happy because that's what they want and that's the life they are happy with, and we should respect that. There are some theories or phenomenons out there that can help explain why some have chosen this route. They include, possible abuse in the home, gayness being genetic, or maybe too much hormone in the brain when in the womb. There are countless reasons why someone could be gay, and these are just a few. Dean Byrd once said "It really matters what we call something." He also goes on to list 3 things that that could be. It could be: same sex/same gender attraction, homosexual that is sexualized in some way, or that gay has been taken on as an identity. All of these can describe someone and what they have chosen to be. Some have even chosen to go the route of transgender, and have changed to the opposite of what they were. Whatever someone may be, that is their choice and we cannot change it.  If we look at younger kids for example, we see that girls have the tendency to play with dolls and draw pictures of flowers and pretty things, whereas the boys are going to play football and play with cars and trucks. And if a boy were to stay stay in from recess for instance and hang out with the girls and do things with them, he is going to get made fun of, and then he tends to not be "one of them". It's okay for a boy to do this! Just because he is playing with girls and isn't doing the typical "boy" stuff, that's okay too. Gender today has become so many different things, and it's something we should respect. We can't change anything, and people can use their free agency today to choose. 

Family Life

One question I want you to ask yourself is, what is culture? Culture is often something that we define as what our family does and how we do things, and is generally passed on down through many generations. When we do things, we think oh I do that because my mom does, or because someone else does it. It turns out we aren't as different as we think we are. Yes we all have our own likes and dislikes, but overall we are similar to one another. In our communities we all have the same skin tone, speak the same language, etc. It's all in what we assume. We do see trends though where if someone is not of that same "culture" we tend to push them away because they are different in some way. Is that the ethical thing to do per say? Probably not. So why can't we include everyone no matter their culture and our view of them. We always hear the saying "never judge a book by its cover".  And I think that is perfect for this situation. As human beings, our natural reaction is to gravitate towards what is familiar to us rather than things that are different. We all have different socioeconomic status' and we also tend to categorize people into those when we see them. Some of them include: income, location as to where they live, their education, who they associate with, their occupation, what they wear and their overall appearance, and their mannerisms/lifestyle. It is a natural instinct to do this when we see someone whether we know them or not. And then from there we decide if want to associate ourselves with them if they match our "culture".

An activity we did in class this week was having classmates act as a family who lived in Mexico and eventually decided to cross the border to come to the states. There were two different families who were related, and then their grandma. One of those families had decided to make the move to the states, but the father had to go first. This wasn't an easy decision or was it an easy process. The dad was to get across the border, but had to have someone help him get across. He had to leave his family behind while he went across and found a place to live and also a job. He was in the states for about 2 years before he was able to get the rest of his family across which led to family relationship issues. Once the mom and the 2 kids were able to get across the border to meet up with the father, things were a little awkward at first because it had all been so different for each of them. He was living in a run down trailer with the people he worked with, and he wasn't making much money at all, and the wife and kids had to sell everything in order for them to have the money to go. They also left behind their cousins who was their support system when they needed it, but eventually they decided to make the move as well. This was also a risky move because of how hard it is for women especially to get across the border. The statistics have shown that about 1/3 of women get raped from the "coyotes" that are supposed to help them move across the border. This is not safe for any woman, and it is a real thing that happens in our society today. Things like this happen all the time today, and it is not a good situation. Family should be the basic unit of everything today, and we should be able to rely on them at all times to help us get through tough times. It is heart breaking to see what many families have to go through and how they grow apart. I am grateful for my family today and the support they have for me.

Rules and Roles

      Have you ever broken a family rule or role? Or do you have any? They are often seen as traditions and can be taken with you as you go through life. Today, many families have different roles and rules in their households that to some people may seem strange. Lets take a look at a few of those examples. Having specific seats at the dinner table, saying I love you regularly to your family, older children are to help with the younger children, a clear executive or leader, etc. Murray Bowen once said "Every family needs an executive or sub-system." There are so many different examples in each family as to what is okay and what is not, and if someone breaks a certain rule, everyone is going to be thrown off, and it could potentially lead to contention. Often times, as we grow older and move out of the house, we may see that we have carried these traditions with us, and when someone breaks it, it feels uncomfortable because that isn't what you are used to. It takes time to get used to what others do, and for them to get used to what you do. Whether this be with roommates at college or with your spouse, it can take time to develop your own family systems.

     Having these set rules and traditions is also something that can help a family have order and structure. Without these, a family can be left in pure chaos. Going along with that, we can see that when a mom and dad work together in the family and they don't fight, it can give a child a sense of security and safety versus a family that is always fighting. No not every family is perfect and we do fight, but if everyone can learn to work together and understand one another, things will go more smoothly overall. Salvidor Minuchin is one who is known for family mapping and looking at what he observed in families. With this, he was able to establish some boundaries. A few we can look at are, rigid boundaries: information is not shared as much; open boundary: some things are shared that shouldn't be; healthy boundary: enough is shared the to meet the needs. When we look at these boundaries, we are looking at the relationship with the parents and how well they get along. This can be a big key in families as to how they interact with each other, and how they treat others. Something else we can look at, is the relationship of the parent and the child.With Minuchin's family mapping theory, we can take a child and look at his/her relationship with both the mom and the dad. Often times the mom is closer to the child than the dad because they around them more and have more opportunities. When the dad is at work he misses out on some of these bonding moments.  However, there may be some instances where the dad is closer to the child than the mom. At times we could even observe a close relationship with both mom and dad. However things happen is just the way of the family and everyone is different. What may seem normal to one person could seem absolutely strange to another family. These family systems are what shape us, and the traditions we learn can be taken with us throughout our lives. So next time you are at a family gathering, pay attention to the little details that happen and see if you can discover your little family rules. See what happens when you break one and see what other reactions are. Try sitting in a different spot at the dinner table and see what happens. All of these are fun little quirks that makes a family who they are.

Family Trends

This week in Family relations, one main thing we talked about was the different trend in families today. Whether this be in single-parent families or in a two parent household, there are many different trends that we can see. They include: Age at first (age at which people are marrying), cohabitation, employed mothers with children under 6, living alone, depression, sexual intimacy before marriage, cut of wedlock birth, decrease in household size, decreasing birth rates, and divorce rates. All of these are some trends we see in different families, yet there is a correlation between them.

Just to compare a couple, if we look at say living alone and depression, we can probably figure that there is a good relationship between these two. Whether it be social loneliness or emotional loneliness, it is something that we should be concerned about for those struggling with this. When we talk about the loneliness of some, we could also probably guess that there is some sort of depression involved because they feel that they are not meaningful to someone, or that they simply just aren't good enough. 

There are many different ways to compare these trends to one another. Another one to look at would be cohabitation prior to marriage, and divorce. Often times when people get married at a young age, they do it so quickly because they think they really love each other and they think they have things figured out, but in reality they don't know what's coming for them. They want to get married to say they are married, but then in the end they figure out they don't love each other as much as they thought, and then it leads to divorce. This is something so scary to me, because I feel like it it's important to be on your own for a while and experience the world before you decide on who to marry. 

It is probably easier to say that those who come from a husband-wife typical household versus those who come from a single parent household have a little better of a life. Looking at different statistics with different situations is interesting to see the different rates. If you would like to take a closer look at this, check out the website familystructurestudies.com to look at the different scenarios for each type of family and the outcome!

About me!

Hello everyone, my name is Kaesi Keck and I am from a small town called Menan here in Idaho. I love sports and most things outdoors. I am excited to start this blog, so here you can follow me and my posts, and feel free to leave any feedback!